inconclusive

I've found myself at the bottom of the barrel.       I don't know any way of coping with all the pressure I'm getting from both my parents and J about university. All that I'm worried about right now is graduating. I swear I'm probably failing two classes. I don't really mind staying back - that's really what I wanted. University's too scary and I'm definitely not prepared. Grade 13, please? It's just that I can't bare to hear and see the disappointment from the expectations from everyone.. especially myself. Taking a year off with no work just to see everyone else be busy with their post-secondary life is not such a thrilling idea.       If only I wasn't so selfish and took 4th spare instead of 1st. J influences me too much and he knows it so well that he doesn't even understand what he's done to me.

all downhill from here

I'm terrified of getting revoked from U of T. I swear my marks are going down lower than 10%. And it sucks ass 'cuz they never gave me a specific mark to keep up, just to maintain my average???? (which was an 80 and I bet I'm barely maintaining a 70 right now.)       J & I have been fighting. A lot. Way beyond your usual petty fights that meant nothing and was about misunderstanding. Nothing to do with being stupid. This time it's war.       I really don't understand what's going on. I never did anything wrong. I know I never got him anything for his birthday (I'm broke, can you blame me?), sex has been on hold ever since the other day, but why the fuck does he suddenly have the right to bitch on my ass when I'm the one that's fucking upset?       He tells me he hates it when I act like a baby. Hello? You're the one who's being babied all the time and you're the one making complaints?!?! It's called sucking it up and just trying to make me feel better for a bit and maybe you can tell me I was being bratty later. Don't just fucking yell at me to STOP, acting like you're better than me !       That's always been your problem. Ever since you came to "save" me as the "damsel in distress" you think I'm suddenly obliged to kiss you at your feet, the ground you walk on, to bow and praise you. You saved me from nothing. So don't try to act like you're some sort of figure better than me.       You're not my fucking dad for crying out loud.       So I suddenly realized my place in this society in crApjax - no where. None of these people are reliable, heck, I'm probably just a nuisance to them anyway. Doubt I was ever officially their `friend` for the matter.       If only I could take invitations back.       With situations like these, J's quite the unreliable himself. There was never a time when it was easy and the first thought to confide in him. It just never occurred to me that he would be of any help. And I was right. Sure I got some comforting, but as the bad person that he already is it was really just nothing.       I hate how it had to take me this long to realize all the insane flaws J has that are incredibly detestable! If I weren't dating him, he'd definitely be top on my hate list. What happened to us?