my fucken sweat still smells like weed shower, round 2?

nocturnal messages

I think I left a piece of my heart.. .. in your dresser.. .. in case you wanna start over. I think I left a piece of my heart           in your dresser     in case you wanna start over....

JB

I rented a camera and a van And then I called you "I need you to pretend that we are in love again" And you agreed to And I kissed you in a style Clark Gable would have admired (I thought it classic)

zigazig ah

Two more days and it's already been two years; no wonder we're getting back to that honeymoon stage .. !       Prom was hot. The white flag was finally dropped during the incredibly prolonged war. Disappointed on not winning Prom Queen though, especially after hearing who voted?! Sigh. Damned white people.       I'm extremely happy with the way things are. J's being more cooperative, D's fading outta the picture, and I graduated! So hey! ..just hope they won't revoke me 'cuz my overall was only a 71 :S       I can only hope that rumour of UT not rejecting people as long as they have over 60 and no fail.. ........       Parents are talking about moving.       I'm excited to be back in the city (lol) but I'm actually starting to unpack my boxes and live in this house...       The likeliness of moving back to Scarborough is unlikely since I'd rather be Downtown, so, to meet in the middle it might have to conclude to Danforth and Main.       k.

inconclusive

I've found myself at the bottom of the barrel.       I don't know any way of coping with all the pressure I'm getting from both my parents and J about university. All that I'm worried about right now is graduating. I swear I'm probably failing two classes. I don't really mind staying back - that's really what I wanted. University's too scary and I'm definitely not prepared. Grade 13, please? It's just that I can't bare to hear and see the disappointment from the expectations from everyone.. especially myself. Taking a year off with no work just to see everyone else be busy with their post-secondary life is not such a thrilling idea.       If only I wasn't so selfish and took 4th spare instead of 1st. J influences me too much and he knows it so well that he doesn't even understand what he's done to me.

all downhill from here

I'm terrified of getting revoked from U of T. I swear my marks are going down lower than 10%. And it sucks ass 'cuz they never gave me a specific mark to keep up, just to maintain my average???? (which was an 80 and I bet I'm barely maintaining a 70 right now.)       J & I have been fighting. A lot. Way beyond your usual petty fights that meant nothing and was about misunderstanding. Nothing to do with being stupid. This time it's war.       I really don't understand what's going on. I never did anything wrong. I know I never got him anything for his birthday (I'm broke, can you blame me?), sex has been on hold ever since the other day, but why the fuck does he suddenly have the right to bitch on my ass when I'm the one that's fucking upset?       He tells me he hates it when I act like a baby. Hello? You're the one who's being babied all the time and you're the one making complaints?!?! It's called sucking it up and just trying to make me feel better for a bit and maybe you can tell me I was being bratty later. Don't just fucking yell at me to STOP, acting like you're better than me !       That's always been your problem. Ever since you came to "save" me as the "damsel in distress" you think I'm suddenly obliged to kiss you at your feet, the ground you walk on, to bow and praise you. You saved me from nothing. So don't try to act like you're some sort of figure better than me.       You're not my fucking dad for crying out loud.       So I suddenly realized my place in this society in crApjax - no where. None of these people are reliable, heck, I'm probably just a nuisance to them anyway. Doubt I was ever officially their `friend` for the matter.       If only I could take invitations back.       With situations like these, J's quite the unreliable himself. There was never a time when it was easy and the first thought to confide in him. It just never occurred to me that he would be of any help. And I was right. Sure I got some comforting, but as the bad person that he already is it was really just nothing.       I hate how it had to take me this long to realize all the insane flaws J has that are incredibly detestable! If I weren't dating him, he'd definitely be top on my hate list. What happened to us?

---

So. Invitations out. This is relatively exciting....       After putting sex on hold, I've seen a few very good improvements: more quality time, less fuss about getting caught, finally getting the respect I deserve, and... an increased libido. I've never wanted to fuck more in my life !       It's beyond amazing how putting putting it off led to less crying and more... ..spoilage, actually. Now I've suddenly become an extremely bratty princess. Hm.       At least it's finally the other way around.

peace unknown

This cotillion shit is stressing me out.       You're not much help either

will you be the way that i remember you

I really miss JB. There's really no reasoning behind it; I just never got my closure and I don't think it's fair! The craziest thing is, from what I remember I wasn't even that happy, but whenever I look back through entries I was sooo beyond in love. I don't believe it. Probably putting on a mask to make things seem good, esp since JB probably read it anyway. Sigh.       This thing with J really isn't working out. It makes me crazy 'cuz I know we're a good match; maybe not as a couple but as people, definitely. I don't know. We're completely different people and have polar opinions about things, but when we're together we're happy. The problem is, we don't know how to get along when we're with other people...       Pointless. I hate being treated like shit.

I'm getting my first Tamagotchi today with J. Since I don't have any pets and can't get, this is my replacement. Wish me luck.       Hope we don't become dysfunctional with our digital child.

hallmark holiday

I'm deeply terrified for Valentine's Day. Not because I don't have a date or anything; usually if that were the case I'd just be gloomy and pretend V-day didn't exist. It's mainly because of the fact that it was J & I's 'monthsary' exactly a week ago and although memorable it wasn't quite the nicest. Cranky times. I guess it's what happens when necessities turn into addictions...       The problem is.. in the span of a month he's done two crazy-romantic things that were both completely unexpected: a promposal and the rose-petal show. Love does come with a price, especially if you're dating me. Haa. He definitely deserves something better than a big kiss and a small card. A heartfelt card can't even do justice. If only I was bold enough to record myself singing a stupidly lyric-ed song and post it on FB... but it just seems completely unnecessary.       As much as this relationship's been a roller coaster of puke-age, there's no one else than can trigger my happy senses in a span of a nanosecond. There's not even a thought process to it. Maybe it's complete fluke, but I'll accept the happiness I receive (which is definitely more than I bargained for).       Maybe a self-composed song would do the trick.

the beautiful

I couldn't quite justify the spelling of beautiful. Probably 'cuz it wouldn't do Brad Pitt justice.       I finally watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was definitely more than breathtaking. Actually, it was makeup-ruining. My tears tasted disgusting. Brad Pitt was brilliant. I got pretty distracted each time he got younger. I was in total awe. When he started to look 20, I couldn't bring myself to keep up with the story line. Definitely deserves to be watched a second time. Beyond gorgeous.

( we accept the love we deserve )

I have just come to my slowest and most unforgivable realization.                   I really do treat J like shit.       It took an episode of Grey's Anatomy to lead me to my never ending, silent tears. Good thing J got tired and went to bed early or I nearly wouldn't be as unbiased. Total rude awakening.       I really need to stop taking things for granted. He's given me all I need and yet I keep asking for more...

7 8 9 10 : I LOVE YOU

Arrived 1023. Sense & Sensibility circle. Eloped, fake marriage. Robitussin = purse. "I'm gonna make everything superspecial from now on, promise." It's okay.